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Farewell Bowling Green

I moved to Bowling Green out of frustration. Massachusetts was too cold for me (I have a health problem that is exaserbated by cold weather) and was too expensive. Sure, I could have paid out the behind for an apartment but I would have had to get rid of my dogs. I wasn't going to do that. My dogs are my best friends and the most successful relationships of my adult life.

I packed the dogs (and the cat!) up and moved from 0 degrees to Spring by driving 1100 miles, alone. I had never done anything like that in my life. I did have a friend help me along the way, pointing out dog-friendly hotels for me, etc.

I moved in to a place sight unseen. My advice about that--- NEVER DO THAT. The people were really nice but the place is a dump. I lived here for two years and a few months. Because I have dogs, I had to settle for a place where, um, well, lots of transient people come to live. I have seen people come and go from here and it is very sad. This is the last stop for some people. I have learned a lot. I have talked to people who were homeless and lived in tents in Beech Bend before renting an apartment here.

The town itself is nice. It isn't huge but it isn't tiny. If I lived in a better neighborhood here I would have better feelings about it. The best thing about moving to Bowling Green out of the blue, besides the better weather and the nicer people, is that I met a wonderful man who moved here out of the blue, too.

I found a lovely church and my man and I have renewed our faith in God. We have great friends and I am kind of bummed that I will be 110 miles from them but it is a lot closer than 1100 miles, I suppose.

Bowling Green has been an interesting experience. I will miss it, but I won't miss the noise and chaos of the neighborhood I live in. I am looking forward to peace and quiet.

And cows. There will be lots of cows. Cows and corn...

Happy Birthday, FATASS!

You know how when something mortifying happens and someone inevitably says, "we will laugh about this later?" 

It's later. Much later. I usually don't look gift horses in the mouth. But, sadly, I have received some embarrasing and some downright horrible birthday gifts. Without going into to grousome detail, I have crafted a list based on my and other's experiences. This guide might seem obvious but an ex of mine didn't know these simple rules.

THINGS NOT TO GET YOUR WIFE FOR HER BIRTHDAY IF YOU EVER EXPECT TO HAVE SEX AGAIN

ANYTHING THAT CAN BE USED TO CLEAN A FLOOR Vacuums, mops, brooms, Swiffers, Sharks, Orecks. NO, it doesn't matter if it cost 1000 dollars and she was just saying she would like one. DO NOT GIVE THIS A BIRTHDAY GIFT.

TOOTH WHITENING, VARICOSE VEIN TREATMENT OR ANY GIFT THAT MIGHT CONVEY YOUR WIFE ISN'T PERFECT IN YOUR EYES. That is what those Visa Gift Cards are for. Do not listen to advertisments. No woman wants to be reminded of her age on her birthday.You may as well chop down a tree and point out which "ring" represents her birth.

DO NOT BUY HER CLOTHES!!! If you get a size too small,  you will insult her. And if you get a size too big, you will insult her even more. GIFT CARDS.

DO NOT GIVE HER CASH. She isn't a dancer at the Golden Banana, she is your wife.

DO NOT GIVE HER SOMETHING YOU WANTED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, i.e. a bowling ball, (have we learned nothing from Homer Simpson?), a video game, a giant tv, you get the picture.

And for the love of GOD do not give her a gym membership, treadmill, exercise bike, or anything that says, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FAT ASS!

What is the most disappointing or embarrassing gift you have received?